To say I have strong food cravings is an understatement. I have incessant thoughts about food. My brain is continuously scanning the refrigerator and kitchen cabinets in search of what I can eat next. It's constant and beyond annoying! And if you google the word addiction, well my cravings qualify! If the little voice in my head calls out for chocolate... it will have chocolate. Because denying it just means that for the next hour I'm going to battle the thought... "I really want chocolate." It's so much easier to just give in to the little focker and take a bite than battle the urge for an hour.
I'm sharing this because tomorrow I'm taking San Pedro, a plant medicine from Peru. And I'm hoping to get some answers as to the origins of this addiction. Is it just a habit I have formed over a lifetime? Has my brain built super highways to satisfying my impulses? I feel like I have zero impulse control, like my reward center has literally hijacked my brain. Perhaps I learned to turn to food as comfort at a young age to feel some sense of control in the presence of my unpredictable mother? Or maybe that was her coping technique that she passed down to me. Ironically this mechanism of gaining self-control actually leads to a complete lack of control.
In any case, I'm sick of these uncontrollable cravings. When I am disciplined, I have the ability to deprive myself of the goodies I crave but then at some point I break and deprivation turns to rampant indulgence in all that I was deprived. And then I look in the mirror and hate on myself for the weight I gained. It's self-inflicted torture coaster and it needs to stop. To be continued...